(Note: If you think that my online journal or blog has too much negativity in it, please go to other site because I am not here to sell anything or to please anyone. If you read my 2 previous posts, I said that writing is somewhat making my burden light. You can translate it to either making me relax or half of what’s going on my head had been transferred here therefore, making my brain lighter. Since I started my blog, I never intended to gain audiences, even though my blog settings is public. I just want to share what’s on my mind because I need to share. My mind works overtime! Unlike “normal people”, my mind tends to scare me. I guess I felt that somehow I may reach to someone that who also undergoing or experiencing the same things like me. So again, if you find my posts dark and full of negativity, stop reading and go somewhere else. I am sparing you with my negativities. Thank you.)
As I feared…
If only I got an option to run away from all of these. I want to restart building my life. Is that too much to ask?
Unless, I take another option and this one is much more of an issue.
Unless I commit suicide so that I can end all my sufferings.
I never like the idea or even thinking about it but what can I do? I have asked people around me for help and they supported be both emotional and mental. I am healthy and normal on the outside. Yet I cannot understand how come I need to feel this way.
I cannot understand why I have to suffer.
It is easy to say that my problem is NOTHING compare to others.
I know that.
But I cannot help it when I started to think about my future.
I am well-educated and has a career experiences yet look at me! With all these rejections (mind you, this is not my first career rejection), I can conclude that these people no longer impressed by me.
I don’t want to cry anymore.
The consequence of my decisions and actions are now haunting me and right now, it is starting to happen.
My family cannot help me.
They have done their share.
I want to help myself but I am no longer confident.
I have failed my family.
I have failed my friends.
I have failed MYSELF.
I just want to escape!
I want to run away! Run away from here! Run to a place that no one will look for me and no one knows me!
My family can no longer protect me.
I can no longer protect myself, either.
Who will be there to protect me from others and from myself?