Death and all negativities

First…

My brother’s friend past away 2 days ago. He has Stage 4 lung cancer and he was only 28 years old.

Like everyone else’s mind: why him? He was so young and full of life! There are so many worst people living on Earth and until now, they are still torturing those poor souls. My brother’s friend does not deserve being sick and leaving all his loved ones behind. Initially, we started to blame fate.

I STARTED TO BLAME FATE.

I keep on saying that fate is so unfair!

Fate works very mysteriously.

My heart goes to my brother and his other friends. They may have LOST him today, but they have to remember that they have gained a new GUARDIAN ANGEL to watch over them. He will be forever in our memories.

Second & last…

An outlet for getting out all my negativities!

And because I’m currently looking for a job, I need to be more productive (aside from reading various books).

I need to STOP insulting myself!

I know it is very hard because I cannot prove to myself and to everyone that I can stand up and start to rebuilding myself!

Yeah, thinking that having a regular (corporate) career will help me define myself and take my mind away from all negative thoughts. As mentioned before, I WAS WRONG!

I just need to have more FAITH in myself!

I just need to regain FAITH.

But how?

I don’t know if I can answer my own question. But one thing is for sure…

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Right?

So, I am thinking of writing. I don’t know if I want to write a fan fiction for Wattpad or create another blog.

See how random/chaotic my mind is?

I need to start, right now.

But how?

I. Need. Help.

So my nightmare starts…

(Note: If you think that my online journal or blog has too much negativity in it, please go to other site because I am not here to sell anything or to please anyone. If you read my 2 previous posts, I said that writing is somewhat making my burden light. You can translate it to either making me relax or half of what’s going on my head had been transferred here therefore, making my brain lighter. Since I started my blog, I never intended to gain audiences, even though my blog settings is public. I just want to share what’s on my mind because I need to share. My mind works overtime! Unlike “normal people”, my mind tends to scare me. I guess I felt that somehow I may reach to someone that who also undergoing or experiencing the same things like me. So again, if you find my posts dark and full of negativity, stop reading and go somewhere else. I am sparing you with my negativities. Thank you.)

Day 3

As I feared…

Sigh.

If only I got an option to run away from all of these. I want to restart building my life. Is that too much to ask?

Unless, I take another option and this one is much more of an issue.

Unless I commit suicide so that I can end all my sufferings.

I never like the idea or even thinking about it but what can I do? I have asked people around me for help and they supported be both emotional and mental. I am healthy and normal on the outside. Yet I cannot understand how come I need to feel this way.

I cannot understand why I have to suffer.

It is easy to say that my problem is NOTHING compare to others.

I know that.

But I cannot help it when I started to think about my future.

I am well-educated and has a career experiences yet look at me! With all these rejections (mind you, this is not my first career rejection), I can conclude that these people no longer impressed by me.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

The consequence of my decisions and actions are now haunting me and right now, it is starting to happen.

My family cannot help me.

They have done their share.

I want to help myself but I am no longer confident.

I have failed my family.

I have failed my friends.

I have failed MYSELF.

I just want to escape!

I want to run away! Run away from here! Run to a place that no one will look for me and no one knows me!

My family can no longer protect me.

I can no longer protect myself, either.

Who will be there to protect me from others and from myself?

Sigh.

My Existence

After posting my previous entry, I broke down. I cried until I got no more tears to shed. I cannot understand what’s happening to me. I don’t want to experience this anymore! I just wish that I can go back in time, during my childhood days. No worries. No “adult” problems.

I am so IMMUNE to REJECTION. One proof will be finding that rightful career for me. People thought that I got no goals in life. If they only knew how much each of my secret goals are being crushed ONE by ONE!

I am tired.

What’s next for me?

Can I still hold on?

I am so tired.

I don’t know if this post has this “complain” tone. I don’t care.

Right now, writing my thoughts somehow ease the blow of fate. I’m put everything that’s crowding my mind. That heavy feeling seems to lift up a little.

Stress? Yeah, everyone does through that!

Drama-queen? You can accused me of that, I don’t care. Because yes, my life is not going has I planned.

I am a burden.

Useless.

Hopeless.

Loner.

Lazy.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Self-centred.

Pathetic.

So, why am I still here?

Why do I still exist?

Purpose? What purpose? Damn it, I’m 33 and at this age, I should know that, right? Or else, I would have never done to this path of depression, self-loathing, self-pity and all the sh**ty drama!

I am so, so tired.

The End of Me

Today is my mother’s birthday.

Aaaaand I am still unemployed.

Aaaaand today became the worst day of my life!

I came here to write my thoughts because I have no one to run to. I am just tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for a call, text or an email that I got a job announcement. I am tired of being so helpless and worthless. I am so tired of crying, because that’s the only way that I can do for now. I am so tired of cradling this self-pity which I very well know that it is my fault from the very beginning. I am so TIRED of convincing myself that shifting career is just what I need and I can do it!

I am so WRONG!

Since day 1 every crumbled into nothingness. I hated myself because I let everyone down. I have disappointed a lot of people, most especially my mom. I made a promise to her that she has nothing to worry about because we will be financially stable. I even dreamt of having a great career and saw myself growing to became a very successful person.

Again, I was WRONG!

The look in their eyes had me thinking that I have disappointed them. They know that it wasn’t my fault that I felt this way. If they only knew how much this is a TORTURE to me. I tried to be very optimistic about my situation. I keep on thinking that there are others who are experiencing or under a worst situation compare to mine. But I cannot help it! I am 33 and still not living my life to the fullest. I am so scared that the only thing that keeps me from taking my own life is my mom and my siblings.

I have disappointed them but they never turn their backs on me.

I don’t want to wait for that day to come that I will be left all alone. Lonely. Vulnerable. Weak. Useless. Hopeless.

Despite of giving my best effort in terms of job hunting, I kept myself productive by doing what I like to do: reading, writing and photography. But it wasn’t enough to take my mind off to important things.

I just got a mail and a call.

Today has became the worst day of my life.

So, why am I still here?

I just thought that writing will ease every negative feelings that I’m feeling right now. I’m trying to forget the embarrassment and shame of being jobless. I want to yell that I’m not lazy but thinking the opposite because that’s how I am feeling right now.

I should have not allowed to live this along.

Yes, I am a coward.

Yes, I want to turn my back to all the trials that I;m facing right now.

Yes, I am pathetic because my PROBLEMS are a mere scratch in the surface, compare to others.

No, I’m no longer strong than I used to be.

Yes, I’m giving up on life.

Yes, I think this is the only way.

I don’t care if this does not make any sense. My mind is shattered to into millions of pieces and emotions are running high.

Alone.

Scared.

What shall I do?

I think I make up my mind that people will no longer help people like me.

Believe me… I tried everything!

I feel the cool afternoon breeze on to my face.

The warm of the afternoon sun.

I am not poetic. I just like to appreciate my favorite moment.

I love life, but does LIFE loves me?

I don’t know.

I’m TIRED of looking for answers to my questions.

Is it a phase?

I don’t know.

Help. Me.

Health fear

  
So, I’m currently spending the whole weekend in my aunt’s place. I was asked if I could tutored my 8-year-old cousin and since I’m still vacant, I said yes to her.

Well yesterday, I wasn’t expecting this huge thing will happened to me. I was so scared and really cry in fear. I do not know what exactly happened to me. All I know is that I was waiting for dinner when suddenly my vision seems to spin. I thought quickly that I have a headache although I don’t feel any pain.  I told my aunt that I will lie down and right after that everything is spinning. I don’t feel hungry but I forced myself to eat, thinking that I am that hungry. I never felt that kind of sickness. right after dinner, my aunt gave me a pill for my dizziness but it would not go away.

I started to cry.

Fear crept up, numbing me of my arms and making my heart beat fast. I thought I was that sick! I refused to go to the hospital because I am so scared. My aunt touches my stomach and I started to feel uneased. I told her that I feel I want to vomit and rushed to the bathroom toilet. In a a few seconds, I gushed out my lunch, afternoon snack and dinner. I didn’t stop crying ang my baby cousin went up to me and gave me his mini chocolate bar. He told me that it might help and I felt bad that he get to watch his older cousin crying in fear like a baby. I got a big bite of the chocolate and all of the sudden, my dizziness were lessen and I was able to get up without swinging around. Finally, my aunt and uncle convinced me to rest and sleep. I told them that I can’t go to sleep because I’m scared of not waking up. It is true! It did crossed my mind and when it is your first time you felt this kind of sickness, you will start to think of anything crazy!

Whether you are super health-conscious or not, we really need to take care of ourselves. We don’t know when our body will suddenly went haywire on us. Lesson learned? Listen to what your body is saying to you. Do not be scared of going to the doctors! They are the ones who might be able to help us understand our body and advises us how to take care of it. Soooo… Next time, I need to pay more attention to my body and so do you!

Thank you 2015 (My yearend journal)

Tomorrow is New Year’s eve and almost everyone is posting things that they are thankful for this 2015, and things that they are looking forward for the next year.

2015 has been a difficult year for me. Let me enumerate it.

Career – The company where I’m working won’t be hiring me, full time after my 6 months with them (mid-April). I always thought that I have found my niche because I started a new career that is way different from my previous job. I came to believed that I’m starting afresh in my career. I was enjoying my job: learning the ins and outs of the corporation plus, I was able to try and somewhat enhanced my writing skills. I guess I came short.

Myself – I thought that my career will define me. I cannot seemed to find what is right for me. I do not know what I want in my life. I think I’m still not over with my mid-life crisis. Until now, I’m struggling with it and I’m praying for enlightenment.

Even if I’m struggling with my trials, I have something to thank for this 2015:

Family – No matter what happens, no matter how difficult life is, my family is always there beside me. They are my personal cheering squad! We do have squabbles, fights and arguments yet at the end of the day, they are there to support me all the way. This also goes out to my relatives, too.

Friends – They are my second family when I am away from them. These people are the ones that stayed by my side when the going gets tough. My collection of friends are small but they are the most trust-worthy and can lend their shoulders when I need to cry on, or their ears when I started to rant out my problems.

I don’t know what 2016 have in store for me. Like everyone, I will be optimistic and be ready to face whatever this new year will offer.

Thank you and good-bye, 2015!

2016, I am ready for you!

Hollow (A pre-yearend journal series)

It has been a while since the last time I post. So far, my 2015 journey has been a crazy one.

As of posting, it has been 8 months since I got booted out of my career. I thought I had finally had my calling because I enjoy what I am doing. Apparently, it is NOT for me and that broke my heart and my newly-built self confidence.

I felt empty. I felt so hollow.

A few hours ago, I snapped at someone that I love. Yes, I admit that I’m not a perfect and I have been trying to somehow make my family and relatives proud of my achievements and accomplishments. But, look at me now. I got nothing to show it to them. The reason why I snapped at my aunt is that she wants me to do the things for my 18-year-old cousin. Things that I had NEVER asked anyone to do it for me. I learn to be independent and be resourceful. I only asked for help if things are getting difficult for me. We argued. I never understand why they (my aunt, my aunt’s sister and my aunt’sister’s husband) to be overly protected towards my cousin. Okay, I understand that they are watching out for her, but how will she learn? How will my cousin get to survive the real world? I felt it was so senseless to argue with her because they are blinded. They are blinded by the fact that we, the older cousins are her to help her. They ignored that fact that we are far away, got a job to take care off and other things to do. I keep on recalling that I never asked help from them when I got in non-moving traffic and got home almost midnight. I had a share of bad luck on the road such as gotten pickpocketed while taking a public transportation. But here I am now. Thankful that I’m still alive and much alert. All I want for them to stop treating my cousin as a baby and let her learn how to be independent on the road by taking public transportation. As of posting, my anger still lingers.

I still felt empty. After arguing with my aunt, I felt so empty… Hollow inside of me.

I pray that we will be enlighten. I pray that I may never feel hollow after tonight.