Death and all negativities

First…

My brother’s friend past away 2 days ago. He has Stage 4 lung cancer and he was only 28 years old.

Like everyone else’s mind: why him? He was so young and full of life! There are so many worst people living on Earth and until now, they are still torturing those poor souls. My brother’s friend does not deserve being sick and leaving all his loved ones behind. Initially, we started to blame fate.

I STARTED TO BLAME FATE.

I keep on saying that fate is so unfair!

Fate works very mysteriously.

My heart goes to my brother and his other friends. They may have LOST him today, but they have to remember that they have gained a new GUARDIAN ANGEL to watch over them. He will be forever in our memories.

Second & last…

An outlet for getting out all my negativities!

And because I’m currently looking for a job, I need to be more productive (aside from reading various books).

I need to STOP insulting myself!

I know it is very hard because I cannot prove to myself and to everyone that I can stand up and start to rebuilding myself!

Yeah, thinking that having a regular (corporate) career will help me define myself and take my mind away from all negative thoughts. As mentioned before, I WAS WRONG!

I just need to have more FAITH in myself!

I just need to regain FAITH.

But how?

I don’t know if I can answer my own question. But one thing is for sure…

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Right?

So, I am thinking of writing. I don’t know if I want to write a fan fiction for Wattpad or create another blog.

See how random/chaotic my mind is?

I need to start, right now.

But how?

I. Need. Help.

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My Existence

After posting my previous entry, I broke down. I cried until I got no more tears to shed. I cannot understand what’s happening to me. I don’t want to experience this anymore! I just wish that I can go back in time, during my childhood days. No worries. No “adult” problems.

I am so IMMUNE to REJECTION. One proof will be finding that rightful career for me. People thought that I got no goals in life. If they only knew how much each of my secret goals are being crushed ONE by ONE!

I am tired.

What’s next for me?

Can I still hold on?

I am so tired.

I don’t know if this post has this “complain” tone. I don’t care.

Right now, writing my thoughts somehow ease the blow of fate. I’m put everything that’s crowding my mind. That heavy feeling seems to lift up a little.

Stress? Yeah, everyone does through that!

Drama-queen? You can accused me of that, I don’t care. Because yes, my life is not going has I planned.

I am a burden.

Useless.

Hopeless.

Loner.

Lazy.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Self-centred.

Pathetic.

So, why am I still here?

Why do I still exist?

Purpose? What purpose? Damn it, I’m 33 and at this age, I should know that, right? Or else, I would have never done to this path of depression, self-loathing, self-pity and all the sh**ty drama!

I am so, so tired.