Hitting slump & self-doubting

So, I am back with my negative thoughts.

Update on my writing…

I am starting to doubt myself.

Yes, self-insulting is back!

How can I bring back my confidence? I am starting to question my creativity. I don’t know if I am just lazy or scared. Right now, it is a mixture of both!

Scared because I am not good like the others. Given that this is my first time to write publicly using Wattpad scares me. My first draft which is a prologue took me 3 days to compose, and to think that my mind is working overtime with all these ideas floating swimming inside my brain. I had to put them all down to my notebook so that I won’t forget them. But now, I am hitting a slump. Because I am scared, I had been lazy. As of the moment, I have been staring at my desktop computer screen for almost 3 hours, still stuck with the prologue.

I am supposed to be good at this.

I am supposed to be happy and just enjoying my creativeness flows through me.

But, NO.

I got scared of criticism.

I got scared of readers not liking it.

I got scared that it is not an original.

Sigh.

See how my brain works?!?!?

I cannot afford a short creative writing class/course. Moreover, I cannot afford to pay a proofreader to check my work.

Yes, I am so insecure right now.

Yes, I have a high expectation to myself.

Yes, I am pressuring myself.

Yes, I am driving myself crazy!

What should I do?

Conquering one day at a time

It is hard to stay and think positive when every minute a problem or two arises. As of the moment, I had tried to stay busy like reading and researching for my upcoming fan fiction that I want to write for Wattpad. Yes, I have decided that since I have so many free time in my hands, I need to be productive and avoid being slumped back to my negative thinking. I think this will be my way of “escaping” my problem. Also, I should get back into working out. I’ll be doing this because I have to. I am not pleasing anybody or being discourage of all the skinny bodies that I see here on the internet. This is my new journey towards to a positive ME.

I am trying to conquer one day at a time but it is so hard.

I am also trying to avoid getting angry to myself.

Insulting myself won’t make anything different. I will still be stuck with my past.

The weather seems to be reflecting on my current mood: dark and gloomy.

All I need now is a lot of motivation to keep going. To never look back and start slumping again. I need to bring back my groove. I need to regain everything that I have lost 2 years ago: my confidence and self-determination.

I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF.

I need an inspiration.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I can do this!

 

Death and all negativities

First…

My brother’s friend past away 2 days ago. He has Stage 4 lung cancer and he was only 28 years old.

Like everyone else’s mind: why him? He was so young and full of life! There are so many worst people living on Earth and until now, they are still torturing those poor souls. My brother’s friend does not deserve being sick and leaving all his loved ones behind. Initially, we started to blame fate.

I STARTED TO BLAME FATE.

I keep on saying that fate is so unfair!

Fate works very mysteriously.

My heart goes to my brother and his other friends. They may have LOST him today, but they have to remember that they have gained a new GUARDIAN ANGEL to watch over them. He will be forever in our memories.

Second & last…

An outlet for getting out all my negativities!

And because I’m currently looking for a job, I need to be more productive (aside from reading various books).

I need to STOP insulting myself!

I know it is very hard because I cannot prove to myself and to everyone that I can stand up and start to rebuilding myself!

Yeah, thinking that having a regular (corporate) career will help me define myself and take my mind away from all negative thoughts. As mentioned before, I WAS WRONG!

I just need to have more FAITH in myself!

I just need to regain FAITH.

But how?

I don’t know if I can answer my own question. But one thing is for sure…

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Right?

So, I am thinking of writing. I don’t know if I want to write a fan fiction for Wattpad or create another blog.

See how random/chaotic my mind is?

I need to start, right now.

But how?

I. Need. Help.

Random thought of my craft



When I get to see my own photograph, I get a little sense of achievement over it. I know it is kind of lame but for me, it is very rare that some people like my creation. When you looked at the different social media networking sites, there are times that I get a bit intimidated by them. They are so creative about it and that’s where I get my inspiration. I hope can do well next time.

Discovering the creative-ME



Ever since I was a kid, I would always borrow my dad’s camera and take pictures of beautiful things like my siblings, the cloud formation in the sky and  mostly random things that I find interesting to be capture by my camera. During those times, developing photos is a bit expensive for an eight-year-old me. Now that I have shifted career, I want to make my new creative side, works!