Frustrated (again)

Not feeling well right now…

  • Woke up because my lower abdomen is painful, probably due to my constipation (my period was over, a week ago)
  • Frustrated over family & financial problems
  • Frustrated over my pending Wattpad story that’s currently hanging over the said site. I cannot seems to finish it no matter how many ideas that are popping in my brain.
  • Refusing to cry because I know I won’t feel better and it may make matters worst.
  • Questioning WHY I still exist.

It won’t stop! When will my problems end? We can only take enough without going insane. Again and again and again, everyone have different levels of problems BUT not all can deal it.

It is too much…

Please stop!

I don’t want to give up but I’m already on the edge of GIVING UP.

I’m feeling ANGRY right now.

God, is this your punishment for me?


Where’s the OLD ME?

A few minutes ago, I was feeling guilty over buying a box of tea. I’m with my mom doing some errand and we just happened to be in the groceries. I went to buy that tea since it is the last one on the aisle. I asked my mom for the money that I gave to her a week ago (I earned it from freelancing but that wasn’t big. It is like a mere tip but still I gave it to her), and she gave it to me. The reason why I am feeling guilty? Because that money is supposed to go to our savings. Even if it won’t pay our bills, the fact is that our motto is: EVERY CENT COUNTS! But in my conscience’s defense, I haven’t bought anything for myself, lately. This is actually the first thing that I bought for this year.


I hate being like this!

I hated the fact that I made a decision without realizing that my family (especially my mom) is suffering.

This is my consequence for that wrong action that I’ve done 2 years ago. I can never take it back! The only thing that I can move on and move forward is that if there is someone out there who will take me.

Okay, rephrasing it…

The only thing that I can move on from my depression (and maybe grief and disappointment from myself) and to move forward is to have a regular job/career.

Exhale loudly.

I think I had enough of elaborating my career dilemma here and I don’t want to create any negativity in here (even though I have posted a few blogs saying that this is my online journal and it is therapeutic for me to write down all my negative thoughts because it ease my mind and heart).

Again, I will just leave it here. I’m sorry, Mom for being brat! I’m so sorry for being like this. I hope that you know how much I struggle into getting back my old self. I don’t want to waste anymore tears. Just please, I’m begging of you to be more patient with me. I know you understand me and sorry fro letting you down. I promise that I am trying to be strong. I am trying to bring back the old me; the one who is a positive-thinker and never lose faith. Sorry and thank you for being there for me, Mom. You know that I cannot verbally express this to you, but deep down you know that YOU CAN FEEL it.

Self-diagnosis (when will it stop?)


Thanks to the power of internet, social media networking sites and YouTubers, some people are starting to doubt their insanity – me in particular!

Lot of doctors are saying, even in the point of scolding, that do not self-diagnose yourself. When in doubt, seek medical professional IN THE FLESH. Not via live chat. Not via video call. Not via email. And NOT via any social media platforms!

Because I cannot understand what’s going on inside me (MENTALLY), I did a “research” about the OCD. I must confessed that when I read to the part of symptoms, I immediately told myself that I have OCD which explains why am I doing through a lot of negative things lately. But funny thing though is that, I KNOW THAT IT IS WRONG THAT I BELIEVED IN WHATEVER I’VE READ OVER THE INTERNET!

Honestly, I just want an answer as to why? WHY is this happening to me? WHY is that no matter how much I tried my best, in the end, I had to suffer more? WHY am I like this?

There are so many WHYs and yet I cannot find a single answer to all of my WHYs?

Another sigh just came out of my mouth…

When will I get to see myself triumph over myself?

When will I get to see myself overcome all that obstacles that I’m dealing right now?


So many questions…

Still seeking answers…

Hitting slump & self-doubting

So, I am back with my negative thoughts.

Update on my writing…

I am starting to doubt myself.

Yes, self-insulting is back!

How can I bring back my confidence? I am starting to question my creativity. I don’t know if I am just lazy or scared. Right now, it is a mixture of both!

Scared because I am not good like the others. Given that this is my first time to write publicly using Wattpad scares me. My first draft which is a prologue took me 3 days to compose, and to think that my mind is working overtime with all these ideas floating swimming inside my brain. I had to put them all down to my notebook so that I won’t forget them. But now, I am hitting a slump. Because I am scared, I had been lazy. As of the moment, I have been staring at my desktop computer screen for almost 3 hours, still stuck with the prologue.

I am supposed to be good at this.

I am supposed to be happy and just enjoying my creativeness flows through me.

But, NO.

I got scared of criticism.

I got scared of readers not liking it.

I got scared that it is not an original.


See how my brain works?!?!?

I cannot afford a short creative writing class/course. Moreover, I cannot afford to pay a proofreader to check my work.

Yes, I am so insecure right now.

Yes, I have a high expectation to myself.

Yes, I am pressuring myself.

Yes, I am driving myself crazy!

What should I do?

Conquering one day at a time

It is hard to stay and think positive when every minute a problem or two arises. As of the moment, I had tried to stay busy like reading and researching for my upcoming fan fiction that I want to write for Wattpad. Yes, I have decided that since I have so many free time in my hands, I need to be productive and avoid being slumped back to my negative thinking. I think this will be my way of “escaping” my problem. Also, I should get back into working out. I’ll be doing this because I have to. I am not pleasing anybody or being discourage of all the skinny bodies that I see here on the internet. This is my new journey towards to a positive ME.

I am trying to conquer one day at a time but it is so hard.

I am also trying to avoid getting angry to myself.

Insulting myself won’t make anything different. I will still be stuck with my past.

The weather seems to be reflecting on my current mood: dark and gloomy.

All I need now is a lot of motivation to keep going. To never look back and start slumping again. I need to bring back my groove. I need to regain everything that I have lost 2 years ago: my confidence and self-determination.


I need an inspiration.





I can do this!


Death and all negativities


My brother’s friend past away 2 days ago. He has Stage 4 lung cancer and he was only 28 years old.

Like everyone else’s mind: why him? He was so young and full of life! There are so many worst people living on Earth and until now, they are still torturing those poor souls. My brother’s friend does not deserve being sick and leaving all his loved ones behind. Initially, we started to blame fate.


I keep on saying that fate is so unfair!

Fate works very mysteriously.

My heart goes to my brother and his other friends. They may have LOST him today, but they have to remember that they have gained a new GUARDIAN ANGEL to watch over them. He will be forever in our memories.

Second & last…

An outlet for getting out all my negativities!

And because I’m currently looking for a job, I need to be more productive (aside from reading various books).

I need to STOP insulting myself!

I know it is very hard because I cannot prove to myself and to everyone that I can stand up and start to rebuilding myself!

Yeah, thinking that having a regular (corporate) career will help me define myself and take my mind away from all negative thoughts. As mentioned before, I WAS WRONG!

I just need to have more FAITH in myself!

I just need to regain FAITH.

But how?

I don’t know if I can answer my own question. But one thing is for sure…



So, I am thinking of writing. I don’t know if I want to write a fan fiction for Wattpad or create another blog.

See how random/chaotic my mind is?

I need to start, right now.

But how?

I. Need. Help.

So my nightmare starts…

(Note: If you think that my online journal or blog has too much negativity in it, please go to other site because I am not here to sell anything or to please anyone. If you read my 2 previous posts, I said that writing is somewhat making my burden light. You can translate it to either making me relax or half of what’s going on my head had been transferred here therefore, making my brain lighter. Since I started my blog, I never intended to gain audiences, even though my blog settings is public. I just want to share what’s on my mind because I need to share. My mind works overtime! Unlike “normal people”, my mind tends to scare me. I guess I felt that somehow I may reach to someone that who also undergoing or experiencing the same things like me. So again, if you find my posts dark and full of negativity, stop reading and go somewhere else. I am sparing you with my negativities. Thank you.)

Day 3

As I feared…


If only I got an option to run away from all of these. I want to restart building my life. Is that too much to ask?

Unless, I take another option and this one is much more of an issue.

Unless I commit suicide so that I can end all my sufferings.

I never like the idea or even thinking about it but what can I do? I have asked people around me for help and they supported be both emotional and mental. I am healthy and normal on the outside. Yet I cannot understand how come I need to feel this way.

I cannot understand why I have to suffer.

It is easy to say that my problem is NOTHING compare to others.

I know that.

But I cannot help it when I started to think about my future.

I am well-educated and has a career experiences yet look at me! With all these rejections (mind you, this is not my first career rejection), I can conclude that these people no longer impressed by me.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

The consequence of my decisions and actions are now haunting me and right now, it is starting to happen.

My family cannot help me.

They have done their share.

I want to help myself but I am no longer confident.

I have failed my family.

I have failed my friends.

I have failed MYSELF.

I just want to escape!

I want to run away! Run away from here! Run to a place that no one will look for me and no one knows me!

My family can no longer protect me.

I can no longer protect myself, either.

Who will be there to protect me from others and from myself?