Hitting slump & self-doubting

So, I am back with my negative thoughts.

Update on my writing…

I am starting to doubt myself.

Yes, self-insulting is back!

How can I bring back my confidence? I am starting to question my creativity. I don’t know if I am just lazy or scared. Right now, it is a mixture of both!

Scared because I am not good like the others. Given that this is my first time to write publicly using Wattpad scares me. My first draft which is a prologue took me 3 days to compose, and to think that my mind is working overtime with all these ideas floating swimming inside my brain. I had to put them all down to my notebook so that I won’t forget them. But now, I am hitting a slump. Because I am scared, I had been lazy. As of the moment, I have been staring at my desktop computer screen for almost 3 hours, still stuck with the prologue.

I am supposed to be good at this.

I am supposed to be happy and just enjoying my creativeness flows through me.

But, NO.

I got scared of criticism.

I got scared of readers not liking it.

I got scared that it is not an original.

Sigh.

See how my brain works?!?!?

I cannot afford a short creative writing class/course. Moreover, I cannot afford to pay a proofreader to check my work.

Yes, I am so insecure right now.

Yes, I have a high expectation to myself.

Yes, I am pressuring myself.

Yes, I am driving myself crazy!

What should I do?

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Conquering one day at a time

It is hard to stay and think positive when every minute a problem or two arises. As of the moment, I had tried to stay busy like reading and researching for my upcoming fan fiction that I want to write for Wattpad. Yes, I have decided that since I have so many free time in my hands, I need to be productive and avoid being slumped back to my negative thinking. I think this will be my way of “escaping” my problem. Also, I should get back into working out. I’ll be doing this because I have to. I am not pleasing anybody or being discourage of all the skinny bodies that I see here on the internet. This is my new journey towards to a positive ME.

I am trying to conquer one day at a time but it is so hard.

I am also trying to avoid getting angry to myself.

Insulting myself won’t make anything different. I will still be stuck with my past.

The weather seems to be reflecting on my current mood: dark and gloomy.

All I need now is a lot of motivation to keep going. To never look back and start slumping again. I need to bring back my groove. I need to regain everything that I have lost 2 years ago: my confidence and self-determination.

I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF.

I need an inspiration.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I can do this!

 

The End of Me

Today is my mother’s birthday.

Aaaaand I am still unemployed.

Aaaaand today became the worst day of my life!

I came here to write my thoughts because I have no one to run to. I am just tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for a call, text or an email that I got a job announcement. I am tired of being so helpless and worthless. I am so tired of crying, because that’s the only way that I can do for now. I am so tired of cradling this self-pity which I very well know that it is my fault from the very beginning. I am so TIRED of convincing myself that shifting career is just what I need and I can do it!

I am so WRONG!

Since day 1 every crumbled into nothingness. I hated myself because I let everyone down. I have disappointed a lot of people, most especially my mom. I made a promise to her that she has nothing to worry about because we will be financially stable. I even dreamt of having a great career and saw myself growing to became a very successful person.

Again, I was WRONG!

The look in their eyes had me thinking that I have disappointed them. They know that it wasn’t my fault that I felt this way. If they only knew how much this is a TORTURE to me. I tried to be very optimistic about my situation. I keep on thinking that there are others who are experiencing or under a worst situation compare to mine. But I cannot help it! I am 33 and still not living my life to the fullest. I am so scared that the only thing that keeps me from taking my own life is my mom and my siblings.

I have disappointed them but they never turn their backs on me.

I don’t want to wait for that day to come that I will be left all alone. Lonely. Vulnerable. Weak. Useless. Hopeless.

Despite of giving my best effort in terms of job hunting, I kept myself productive by doing what I like to do: reading, writing and photography. But it wasn’t enough to take my mind off to important things.

I just got a mail and a call.

Today has became the worst day of my life.

So, why am I still here?

I just thought that writing will ease every negative feelings that I’m feeling right now. I’m trying to forget the embarrassment and shame of being jobless. I want to yell that I’m not lazy but thinking the opposite because that’s how I am feeling right now.

I should have not allowed to live this along.

Yes, I am a coward.

Yes, I want to turn my back to all the trials that I;m facing right now.

Yes, I am pathetic because my PROBLEMS are a mere scratch in the surface, compare to others.

No, I’m no longer strong than I used to be.

Yes, I’m giving up on life.

Yes, I think this is the only way.

I don’t care if this does not make any sense. My mind is shattered to into millions of pieces and emotions are running high.

Alone.

Scared.

What shall I do?

I think I make up my mind that people will no longer help people like me.

Believe me… I tried everything!

I feel the cool afternoon breeze on to my face.

The warm of the afternoon sun.

I am not poetic. I just like to appreciate my favorite moment.

I love life, but does LIFE loves me?

I don’t know.

I’m TIRED of looking for answers to my questions.

Is it a phase?

I don’t know.

Help. Me.

From one bookworm to another (fellow) bookworm

Lunch break!

I don’t know how to kill time during my lunch break so I do the usual of surfing the web, then I came across to this blog (please click here).

This article was written by Ms. Susy Alexandre, who is a self-confessed born-bookworm. After reading her article, I fell in love with it. I am also a self-confessed bookworm, who appreciate “real books” rather than “e-books”. Ever since the introduction of e-books that can be download and read using your smartphones, I have been very vocal about my dislike in those e-reader devices (like Nook, Kindle, Kobo and even the Android tablets and iPads) simply because like Ms. Susy, I like the feel of the book in my hand, the smell of the pages as you turn it and the feeling of being completely absorbed in it. I rather loose myself into the world of literature wherein I get to learn a lot, from the author’s creativity to the emotion set in each page. In other words, I can relate to Ms. Susy’s article 100%.

With this new age and technology, reading is still a sexy thing to do. But instead of downloading it on your hand-held devices, why not go to your library or bookstore near you and try looking around. Re-live the feeling of the actual book on your hands and inhale the crisp papers that is filled with a whole new world created by the author. Maybe by that time, you might be looking for a coffee shop or that little corner to start reading on your way to a new adventure.