Where’s the OLD ME?

A few minutes ago, I was feeling guilty over buying a box of tea. I’m with my mom doing some errand and we just happened to be in the groceries. I went to buy that tea since it is the last one on the aisle. I asked my mom for the money that I gave to her a week ago (I earned it from freelancing but that wasn’t big. It is like a mere tip but still I gave it to her), and she gave it to me. The reason why I am feeling guilty? Because that money is supposed to go to our savings. Even if it won’t pay our bills, the fact is that our motto is: EVERY CENT COUNTS! But in my conscience’s defense, I haven’t bought anything for myself, lately. This is actually the first thing that I bought for this year.

Sigh.

I hate being like this!

I hated the fact that I made a decision without realizing that my family (especially my mom) is suffering.

This is my consequence for that wrong action that I’ve done 2 years ago. I can never take it back! The only thing that I can move on and move forward is that if there is someone out there who will take me.

Okay, rephrasing it…

The only thing that I can move on from my depression (and maybe grief and disappointment from myself) and to move forward is to have a regular job/career.

Exhale loudly.

I think I had enough of elaborating my career dilemma here and I don’t want to create any negativity in here (even though I have posted a few blogs saying that this is my online journal and it is therapeutic for me to write down all my negative thoughts because it ease my mind and heart).

Again, I will just leave it here. I’m sorry, Mom for being brat! I’m so sorry for being like this. I hope that you know how much I struggle into getting back my old self. I don’t want to waste anymore tears. Just please, I’m begging of you to be more patient with me. I know you understand me and sorry fro letting you down. I promise that I am trying to be strong. I am trying to bring back the old me; the one who is a positive-thinker and never lose faith. Sorry and thank you for being there for me, Mom. You know that I cannot verbally express this to you, but deep down you know that YOU CAN FEEL it.

Self-diagnosis (when will it stop?)

Self-diagnosis…

Thanks to the power of internet, social media networking sites and YouTubers, some people are starting to doubt their insanity – me in particular!

Lot of doctors are saying, even in the point of scolding, that do not self-diagnose yourself. When in doubt, seek medical professional IN THE FLESH. Not via live chat. Not via video call. Not via email. And NOT via any social media platforms!

Because I cannot understand what’s going on inside me (MENTALLY), I did a “research” about the OCD. I must confessed that when I read to the part of symptoms, I immediately told myself that I have OCD which explains why am I doing through a lot of negative things lately. But funny thing though is that, I KNOW THAT IT IS WRONG THAT I BELIEVED IN WHATEVER I’VE READ OVER THE INTERNET!

Honestly, I just want an answer as to why? WHY is this happening to me? WHY is that no matter how much I tried my best, in the end, I had to suffer more? WHY am I like this?

There are so many WHYs and yet I cannot find a single answer to all of my WHYs?

Another sigh just came out of my mouth…

When will I get to see myself triumph over myself?

When will I get to see myself overcome all that obstacles that I’m dealing right now?

When?

So many questions…

Still seeking answers…

Conquering one day at a time

It is hard to stay and think positive when every minute a problem or two arises. As of the moment, I had tried to stay busy like reading and researching for my upcoming fan fiction that I want to write for Wattpad. Yes, I have decided that since I have so many free time in my hands, I need to be productive and avoid being slumped back to my negative thinking. I think this will be my way of “escaping” my problem. Also, I should get back into working out. I’ll be doing this because I have to. I am not pleasing anybody or being discourage of all the skinny bodies that I see here on the internet. This is my new journey towards to a positive ME.

I am trying to conquer one day at a time but it is so hard.

I am also trying to avoid getting angry to myself.

Insulting myself won’t make anything different. I will still be stuck with my past.

The weather seems to be reflecting on my current mood: dark and gloomy.

All I need now is a lot of motivation to keep going. To never look back and start slumping again. I need to bring back my groove. I need to regain everything that I have lost 2 years ago: my confidence and self-determination.

I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF.

I need an inspiration.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I can do this!

 

Death and all negativities

First…

My brother’s friend past away 2 days ago. He has Stage 4 lung cancer and he was only 28 years old.

Like everyone else’s mind: why him? He was so young and full of life! There are so many worst people living on Earth and until now, they are still torturing those poor souls. My brother’s friend does not deserve being sick and leaving all his loved ones behind. Initially, we started to blame fate.

I STARTED TO BLAME FATE.

I keep on saying that fate is so unfair!

Fate works very mysteriously.

My heart goes to my brother and his other friends. They may have LOST him today, but they have to remember that they have gained a new GUARDIAN ANGEL to watch over them. He will be forever in our memories.

Second & last…

An outlet for getting out all my negativities!

And because I’m currently looking for a job, I need to be more productive (aside from reading various books).

I need to STOP insulting myself!

I know it is very hard because I cannot prove to myself and to everyone that I can stand up and start to rebuilding myself!

Yeah, thinking that having a regular (corporate) career will help me define myself and take my mind away from all negative thoughts. As mentioned before, I WAS WRONG!

I just need to have more FAITH in myself!

I just need to regain FAITH.

But how?

I don’t know if I can answer my own question. But one thing is for sure…

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Right?

So, I am thinking of writing. I don’t know if I want to write a fan fiction for Wattpad or create another blog.

See how random/chaotic my mind is?

I need to start, right now.

But how?

I. Need. Help.

So my nightmare starts…

(Note: If you think that my online journal or blog has too much negativity in it, please go to other site because I am not here to sell anything or to please anyone. If you read my 2 previous posts, I said that writing is somewhat making my burden light. You can translate it to either making me relax or half of what’s going on my head had been transferred here therefore, making my brain lighter. Since I started my blog, I never intended to gain audiences, even though my blog settings is public. I just want to share what’s on my mind because I need to share. My mind works overtime! Unlike “normal people”, my mind tends to scare me. I guess I felt that somehow I may reach to someone that who also undergoing or experiencing the same things like me. So again, if you find my posts dark and full of negativity, stop reading and go somewhere else. I am sparing you with my negativities. Thank you.)

Day 3

As I feared…

Sigh.

If only I got an option to run away from all of these. I want to restart building my life. Is that too much to ask?

Unless, I take another option and this one is much more of an issue.

Unless I commit suicide so that I can end all my sufferings.

I never like the idea or even thinking about it but what can I do? I have asked people around me for help and they supported be both emotional and mental. I am healthy and normal on the outside. Yet I cannot understand how come I need to feel this way.

I cannot understand why I have to suffer.

It is easy to say that my problem is NOTHING compare to others.

I know that.

But I cannot help it when I started to think about my future.

I am well-educated and has a career experiences yet look at me! With all these rejections (mind you, this is not my first career rejection), I can conclude that these people no longer impressed by me.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

The consequence of my decisions and actions are now haunting me and right now, it is starting to happen.

My family cannot help me.

They have done their share.

I want to help myself but I am no longer confident.

I have failed my family.

I have failed my friends.

I have failed MYSELF.

I just want to escape!

I want to run away! Run away from here! Run to a place that no one will look for me and no one knows me!

My family can no longer protect me.

I can no longer protect myself, either.

Who will be there to protect me from others and from myself?

Sigh.

My Existence

After posting my previous entry, I broke down. I cried until I got no more tears to shed. I cannot understand what’s happening to me. I don’t want to experience this anymore! I just wish that I can go back in time, during my childhood days. No worries. No “adult” problems.

I am so IMMUNE to REJECTION. One proof will be finding that rightful career for me. People thought that I got no goals in life. If they only knew how much each of my secret goals are being crushed ONE by ONE!

I am tired.

What’s next for me?

Can I still hold on?

I am so tired.

I don’t know if this post has this “complain” tone. I don’t care.

Right now, writing my thoughts somehow ease the blow of fate. I’m put everything that’s crowding my mind. That heavy feeling seems to lift up a little.

Stress? Yeah, everyone does through that!

Drama-queen? You can accused me of that, I don’t care. Because yes, my life is not going has I planned.

I am a burden.

Useless.

Hopeless.

Loner.

Lazy.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Self-centred.

Pathetic.

So, why am I still here?

Why do I still exist?

Purpose? What purpose? Damn it, I’m 33 and at this age, I should know that, right? Or else, I would have never done to this path of depression, self-loathing, self-pity and all the sh**ty drama!

I am so, so tired.

The End of Me

Today is my mother’s birthday.

Aaaaand I am still unemployed.

Aaaaand today became the worst day of my life!

I came here to write my thoughts because I have no one to run to. I am just tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for a call, text or an email that I got a job announcement. I am tired of being so helpless and worthless. I am so tired of crying, because that’s the only way that I can do for now. I am so tired of cradling this self-pity which I very well know that it is my fault from the very beginning. I am so TIRED of convincing myself that shifting career is just what I need and I can do it!

I am so WRONG!

Since day 1 every crumbled into nothingness. I hated myself because I let everyone down. I have disappointed a lot of people, most especially my mom. I made a promise to her that she has nothing to worry about because we will be financially stable. I even dreamt of having a great career and saw myself growing to became a very successful person.

Again, I was WRONG!

The look in their eyes had me thinking that I have disappointed them. They know that it wasn’t my fault that I felt this way. If they only knew how much this is a TORTURE to me. I tried to be very optimistic about my situation. I keep on thinking that there are others who are experiencing or under a worst situation compare to mine. But I cannot help it! I am 33 and still not living my life to the fullest. I am so scared that the only thing that keeps me from taking my own life is my mom and my siblings.

I have disappointed them but they never turn their backs on me.

I don’t want to wait for that day to come that I will be left all alone. Lonely. Vulnerable. Weak. Useless. Hopeless.

Despite of giving my best effort in terms of job hunting, I kept myself productive by doing what I like to do: reading, writing and photography. But it wasn’t enough to take my mind off to important things.

I just got a mail and a call.

Today has became the worst day of my life.

So, why am I still here?

I just thought that writing will ease every negative feelings that I’m feeling right now. I’m trying to forget the embarrassment and shame of being jobless. I want to yell that I’m not lazy but thinking the opposite because that’s how I am feeling right now.

I should have not allowed to live this along.

Yes, I am a coward.

Yes, I want to turn my back to all the trials that I;m facing right now.

Yes, I am pathetic because my PROBLEMS are a mere scratch in the surface, compare to others.

No, I’m no longer strong than I used to be.

Yes, I’m giving up on life.

Yes, I think this is the only way.

I don’t care if this does not make any sense. My mind is shattered to into millions of pieces and emotions are running high.

Alone.

Scared.

What shall I do?

I think I make up my mind that people will no longer help people like me.

Believe me… I tried everything!

I feel the cool afternoon breeze on to my face.

The warm of the afternoon sun.

I am not poetic. I just like to appreciate my favorite moment.

I love life, but does LIFE loves me?

I don’t know.

I’m TIRED of looking for answers to my questions.

Is it a phase?

I don’t know.

Help. Me.