A few minutes ago, I was feeling guilty over buying a box of tea. I’m with my mom doing some errand and we just happened to be in the groceries. I went to buy that tea since it is the last one on the aisle. I asked my mom for the money that I gave to her a week ago (I earned it from freelancing but that wasn’t big. It is like a mere tip but still I gave it to her), and she gave it to me. The reason why I am feeling guilty? Because that money is supposed to go to our savings. Even if it won’t pay our bills, the fact is that our motto is: EVERY CENT COUNTS! But in my conscience’s defense, I haven’t bought anything for myself, lately. This is actually the first thing that I bought for this year.
Sigh.
I hate being like this!
I hated the fact that I made a decision without realizing that my family (especially my mom) is suffering.
This is my consequence for that wrong action that I’ve done 2 years ago. I can never take it back! The only thing that I can move on and move forward is that if there is someone out there who will take me.
Okay, rephrasing it…
The only thing that I can move on from my depression (and maybe grief and disappointment from myself) and to move forward is to have a regular job/career.
Exhale loudly.
I think I had enough of elaborating my career dilemma here and I don’t want to create any negativity in here (even though I have posted a few blogs saying that this is my online journal and it is therapeutic for me to write down all my negative thoughts because it ease my mind and heart).
Again, I will just leave it here. I’m sorry, Mom for being brat! I’m so sorry for being like this. I hope that you know how much I struggle into getting back my old self. I don’t want to waste anymore tears. Just please, I’m begging of you to be more patient with me. I know you understand me and sorry fro letting you down. I promise that I am trying to be strong. I am trying to bring back the old me; the one who is a positive-thinker and never lose faith. Sorry and thank you for being there for me, Mom. You know that I cannot verbally express this to you, but deep down you know that YOU CAN FEEL it.
Syndi Criket 