Reinventing. Reimaging.

Hey all!

Today is the first day of February 2017 and it has been like 4 months since I posted my last blog. Sorry about that! I have been busy with job hunting and trying to make myself more productive.

Now that being said, I decided to pursue my love of writing. So as of the moment, I am working on “reinventing” this blog. Like before, I will be writing a lot about my struggles and triumphs. I will be adding book and TV reviews, reaction to socio-economic-politics and reflections to (almost) my day-to-day life.

Crossing my fingers (and toes!) on this one.

Frustrated (again)

Not feeling well right now…

• Woke up because my lower abdomen is painful, probably due to my constipation (my period was over, a week ago)
• Frustrated over family & financial problems
• Frustrated over my pending Wattpad story that’s currently hanging over the said site. I cannot seems to finish it no matter how many ideas that are popping in my brain.
• Refusing to cry because I know I won’t feel better and it may make matters worst.
• Questioning WHY I still exist.

It won’t stop! When will my problems end? We can only take enough without going insane. Again and again and again, everyone have different levels of problems BUT not all can deal it.

It is too much…

Please stop!

I don’t want to give up but I’m already on the edge of GIVING UP.

I’m feeling ANGRY right now.

God, is this your punishment for me?

Where’s the OLD ME?

A few minutes ago, I was feeling guilty over buying a box of tea. I’m with my mom doing some errand and we just happened to be in the groceries. I went to buy that tea since it is the last one on the aisle. I asked my mom for the money that I gave to her a week ago (I earned it from freelancing but that wasn’t big. It is like a mere tip but still I gave it to her), and she gave it to me. The reason why I am feeling guilty? Because that money is supposed to go to our savings. Even if it won’t pay our bills, the fact is that our motto is: EVERY CENT COUNTS! But in my conscience’s defense, I haven’t bought anything for myself, lately. This is actually the first thing that I bought for this year.

Sigh.

I hate being like this!

I hated the fact that I made a decision without realizing that my family (especially my mom) is suffering.

This is my consequence for that wrong action that I’ve done 2 years ago. I can never take it back! The only thing that I can move on and move forward is that if there is someone out there who will take me.

Okay, rephrasing it…

The only thing that I can move on from my depression (and maybe grief and disappointment from myself) and to move forward is to have a regular job/career.

Exhale loudly.

I think I had enough of elaborating my career dilemma here and I don’t want to create any negativity in here (even though I have posted a few blogs saying that this is my online journal and it is therapeutic for me to write down all my negative thoughts because it ease my mind and heart).

Again, I will just leave it here. I’m sorry, Mom for being brat! I’m so sorry for being like this. I hope that you know how much I struggle into getting back my old self. I don’t want to waste anymore tears. Just please, I’m begging of you to be more patient with me. I know you understand me and sorry fro letting you down. I promise that I am trying to be strong. I am trying to bring back the old me; the one who is a positive-thinker and never lose faith. Sorry and thank you for being there for me, Mom. You know that I cannot verbally express this to you, but deep down you know that YOU CAN FEEL it.

Self-diagnosis (when will it stop?)

Self-diagnosis…

Thanks to the power of internet, social media networking sites and YouTubers, some people are starting to doubt their insanity – me in particular!

Lot of doctors are saying, even in the point of scolding, that do not self-diagnose yourself. When in doubt, seek medical professional IN THE FLESH. Not via live chat. Not via video call. Not via email. And NOT via any social media platforms!

Because I cannot understand what’s going on inside me (MENTALLY), I did a “research” about the OCD. I must confessed that when I read to the part of symptoms, I immediately told myself that I have OCD which explains why am I doing through a lot of negative things lately. But funny thing though is that, I KNOW THAT IT IS WRONG THAT I BELIEVED IN WHATEVER I’VE READ OVER THE INTERNET!

Honestly, I just want an answer as to why? WHY is this happening to me? WHY is that no matter how much I tried my best, in the end, I had to suffer more? WHY am I like this?

There are so many WHYs and yet I cannot find a single answer to all of my WHYs?

Another sigh just came out of my mouth…

When will I get to see myself triumph over myself?

When will I get to see myself overcome all that obstacles that I’m dealing right now?

When?

So many questions…

Still seeking answers…

Outburst (translation)

It is all up to you to translate this. Again, this is my online journal/blog and everything that I put here is based on what I am feeling and thinking as of the moment. I am not influencing anyone here, okay? Just remember that all of us have the RIGHT/FREEDOM to express our thoughts and feelings.

I will leave it here…

Sa kasalukuyan, nakakasawa nang makinig at manood ng balita lalo na tungkol sa nangyaring talumpati ng ating pangulo bago siya umalis patungong Laos. Eh, ano ngayon kung yun ang sinabi niya? Hindi ba totoo yun? Oo, may mali ang ating pangulo doon. Sana nga lang eh mas nagbigay siya ng detalyeng paliwanang o pinaliwanag niyang mabuti kung bakit ganun yung mga sinabi niya. Kaso, di ba may punto naman din siya? Siya kasi ang pangulo ng bansa natin, bakit siya sesermonan ng isang pangulo ng ibang bansa tungkol sa mga nangyayari sa bansa atin? Hindi na tayo sakop nila! Oo, makapangyarihan sila at malaki ang nagiging tulong nila sa atin (sa lahat ng aspeto).

Pero, sandali lang…

Bakit nila pinakikialalaman kung paano pinalalakad ng kasalukuyang adminstrayon ang ating bansa? Hindi ba sila nanonood o nakikinig sa ating mga balita na yung mga EJK na hindi sanggot ang mga operasyon na awtoridad eh pinaiimbistigahan? Tama naman ang ating pangulo na dapat ang inuuna nila ay yung kanilang bakod at huwag nilang pakialaman siya. Hindi ba ninyo napansin na nainsulto ang ating pangulo doon sa sinabi na “pagsasabihan DAW siya”. Naman! Tapos ngayon, sila pa ang may ganang magalit at “mainsulto” sa sagot niya?

Haaaaay…

Isa ba itong hindi pagkakaintindihan? Ewan ko! ANG SA AKIN LANG… Sana huwag na palakihin ang nangyari. Tapos na eh! Hindi ba pwede na magsalita ng masama laban sa pangulo ng isang makapangyarihang bansa? Oo, unang beses ata nangyari ito at mukhang hindi nila yun inaasahan. ANG SA AKIN LANG… Huwag na sana SUMAWSAW ang iba sa isyu na ito. Lalung lalo na yung mga kandidato sa pagiging pangulo ng Estados Unidos. Tigilan na po natin ito. Gisang-gisa na po siya, okay lang yun sa inyo? Oo, naging isang napakamalaking pagkakamali lang yun. Makakapag-usap din naman yung dalawa na yun balang araw (bago bumaba sa puwesto yung isa).

Sa ngayon, ibaling muna natin ang ating atensyon sa nangyayari sa ating bansa tulad ng paghahanap ng solusyon sa trapik, ang paghahanap ng trabaho at ang banta ng terorismo. Ito ang panahon para ipakita natin ang suporta sa ating gobyerno at siguro tumulong rin tayo sa kanila. Hindi lahat ay kaya nila. Marami tayo eh. Di ba sabi nga: SA ATIN DIN DAPAT MAGSIMULA ANG PAGBABAGO? Kaya tama na ang pag-aaway-away, ha? Magtulungan na lang tayo.

At para doon sa mga bumabatikos at hindi gusto ang kasalukuyang adminstrasyon, tama na po. Tumulong na lang po kayo para naging maunlad ang bansa natin. Pwede naman ho kayo umalis na lang ng ating bansa kung talagang ayaw po ninyo sa pamamalakad ng ating pangulo. Pasensiya na po kung yun po ang nasabi/nasulat ko kasi yun po ang nakikita ko ho eh. Kung ayaw, pwede naman pong umalis. Huwag na pahirapan ang sarili dahil sa stress na yan. Panget po ang nakasimangot!

Ito po ang una at huling sulat ko tungkol sa pulitika. Nakaka-toxic na po kasi eh.

Yun lang po.

Hitting slump & self-doubting

So, I am back with my negative thoughts.

Update on my writing…

I am starting to doubt myself.

Yes, self-insulting is back!

How can I bring back my confidence? I am starting to question my creativity. I don’t know if I am just lazy or scared. Right now, it is a mixture of both!

Scared because I am not good like the others. Given that this is my first time to write publicly using Wattpad scares me. My first draft which is a prologue took me 3 days to compose, and to think that my mind is working overtime with all these ideas floating swimming inside my brain. I had to put them all down to my notebook so that I won’t forget them. But now, I am hitting a slump. Because I am scared, I had been lazy. As of the moment, I have been staring at my desktop computer screen for almost 3 hours, still stuck with the prologue.

I am supposed to be good at this.

I am supposed to be happy and just enjoying my creativeness flows through me.

But, NO.

I got scared of criticism.

I got scared of readers not liking it.

I got scared that it is not an original.

Sigh.

See how my brain works?!?!?

I cannot afford a short creative writing class/course. Moreover, I cannot afford to pay a proofreader to check my work.

Yes, I am so insecure right now.

Yes, I have a high expectation to myself.

Yes, I am pressuring myself.

Yes, I am driving myself crazy!

What should I do?

Conquering one day at a time

It is hard to stay and think positive when every minute a problem or two arises. As of the moment, I had tried to stay busy like reading and researching for my upcoming fan fiction that I want to write for Wattpad. Yes, I have decided that since I have so many free time in my hands, I need to be productive and avoid being slumped back to my negative thinking. I think this will be my way of “escaping” my problem. Also, I should get back into working out. I’ll be doing this because I have to. I am not pleasing anybody or being discourage of all the skinny bodies that I see here on the internet. This is my new journey towards to a positive ME.

I am trying to conquer one day at a time but it is so hard.

I am also trying to avoid getting angry to myself.

Insulting myself won’t make anything different. I will still be stuck with my past.

The weather seems to be reflecting on my current mood: dark and gloomy.

All I need now is a lot of motivation to keep going. To never look back and start slumping again. I need to bring back my groove. I need to regain everything that I have lost 2 years ago: my confidence and self-determination.

I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF.

I need an inspiration.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I can do this!

 

Death and all negativities

First…

My brother’s friend past away 2 days ago. He has Stage 4 lung cancer and he was only 28 years old.

Like everyone else’s mind: why him? He was so young and full of life! There are so many worst people living on Earth and until now, they are still torturing those poor souls. My brother’s friend does not deserve being sick and leaving all his loved ones behind. Initially, we started to blame fate.

I STARTED TO BLAME FATE.

I keep on saying that fate is so unfair!

Fate works very mysteriously.

My heart goes to my brother and his other friends. They may have LOST him today, but they have to remember that they have gained a new GUARDIAN ANGEL to watch over them. He will be forever in our memories.

Second & last…

An outlet for getting out all my negativities!

And because I’m currently looking for a job, I need to be more productive (aside from reading various books).

I need to STOP insulting myself!

I know it is very hard because I cannot prove to myself and to everyone that I can stand up and start to rebuilding myself!

Yeah, thinking that having a regular (corporate) career will help me define myself and take my mind away from all negative thoughts. As mentioned before, I WAS WRONG!

I just need to have more FAITH in myself!

I just need to regain FAITH.

But how?

I don’t know if I can answer my own question. But one thing is for sure…

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Right?

So, I am thinking of writing. I don’t know if I want to write a fan fiction for Wattpad or create another blog.

See how random/chaotic my mind is?

I need to start, right now.

But how?

I. Need. Help.

So my nightmare starts…

(Note: If you think that my online journal or blog has too much negativity in it, please go to other site because I am not here to sell anything or to please anyone. If you read my 2 previous posts, I said that writing is somewhat making my burden light. You can translate it to either making me relax or half of what’s going on my head had been transferred here therefore, making my brain lighter. Since I started my blog, I never intended to gain audiences, even though my blog settings is public. I just want to share what’s on my mind because I need to share. My mind works overtime! Unlike “normal people”, my mind tends to scare me. I guess I felt that somehow I may reach to someone that who also undergoing or experiencing the same things like me. So again, if you find my posts dark and full of negativity, stop reading and go somewhere else. I am sparing you with my negativities. Thank you.)

Day 3

As I feared…

Sigh.

If only I got an option to run away from all of these. I want to restart building my life. Is that too much to ask?

Unless, I take another option and this one is much more of an issue.

Unless I commit suicide so that I can end all my sufferings.

I never like the idea or even thinking about it but what can I do? I have asked people around me for help and they supported be both emotional and mental. I am healthy and normal on the outside. Yet I cannot understand how come I need to feel this way.

I cannot understand why I have to suffer.

It is easy to say that my problem is NOTHING compare to others.

I know that.

But I cannot help it when I started to think about my future.

I am well-educated and has a career experiences yet look at me! With all these rejections (mind you, this is not my first career rejection), I can conclude that these people no longer impressed by me.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

The consequence of my decisions and actions are now haunting me and right now, it is starting to happen.

My family cannot help me.

They have done their share.

I want to help myself but I am no longer confident.

I have failed my family.

I have failed my friends.

I have failed MYSELF.

I just want to escape!

I want to run away! Run away from here! Run to a place that no one will look for me and no one knows me!

My family can no longer protect me.

I can no longer protect myself, either.

Who will be there to protect me from others and from myself?

Sigh.

My Existence

After posting my previous entry, I broke down. I cried until I got no more tears to shed. I cannot understand what’s happening to me. I don’t want to experience this anymore! I just wish that I can go back in time, during my childhood days. No worries. No “adult” problems.

I am so IMMUNE to REJECTION. One proof will be finding that rightful career for me. People thought that I got no goals in life. If they only knew how much each of my secret goals are being crushed ONE by ONE!

I am tired.

What’s next for me?

Can I still hold on?

I am so tired.

I don’t know if this post has this “complain” tone. I don’t care.

Right now, writing my thoughts somehow ease the blow of fate. I’m put everything that’s crowding my mind. That heavy feeling seems to lift up a little.

Stress? Yeah, everyone does through that!

Drama-queen? You can accused me of that, I don’t care. Because yes, my life is not going has I planned.

I am a burden.

Useless.

Hopeless.

Loner.

Lazy.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Self-centred.

Pathetic.

So, why am I still here?

Why do I still exist?

Purpose? What purpose? Damn it, I’m 33 and at this age, I should know that, right? Or else, I would have never done to this path of depression, self-loathing, self-pity and all the sh**ty drama!

I am so, so tired.