The End of Me

Today is my mother’s birthday.

Aaaaand I am still unemployed.

Aaaaand today became the worst day of my life!

I came here to write my thoughts because I have no one to run to. I am just tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for a call, text or an email that I got a job announcement. I am tired of being so helpless and worthless. I am so tired of crying, because that’s the only way that I can do for now. I am so tired of cradling this self-pity which I very well know that it is my fault from the very beginning. I am so TIRED of convincing myself that shifting career is just what I need and I can do it!

I am so WRONG!

Since day 1 every crumbled into nothingness. I hated myself because I let everyone down. I have disappointed a lot of people, most especially my mom. I made a promise to her that she has nothing to worry about because we will be financially stable. I even dreamt of having a great career and saw myself growing to became a very successful person.

Again, I was WRONG!

The look in their eyes had me thinking that I have disappointed them. They know that it wasn’t my fault that I felt this way. If they only knew how much this is a TORTURE to me. I tried to be very optimistic about my situation. I keep on thinking that there are others who are experiencing or under a worst situation compare to mine. But I cannot help it! I am 33 and still not living my life to the fullest. I am so scared that the only thing that keeps me from taking my own life is my mom and my siblings.

I have disappointed them but they never turn their backs on me.

I don’t want to wait for that day to come that I will be left all alone. Lonely. Vulnerable. Weak. Useless. Hopeless.

Despite of giving my best effort in terms of job hunting, I kept myself productive by doing what I like to do: reading, writing and photography. But it wasn’t enough to take my mind off to important things.

I just got a mail and a call.

Today has became the worst day of my life.

So, why am I still here?

I just thought that writing will ease every negative feelings that I’m feeling right now. I’m trying to forget the embarrassment and shame of being jobless. I want to yell that I’m not lazy but thinking the opposite because that’s how I am feeling right now.

I should have not allowed to live this along.

Yes, I am a coward.

Yes, I want to turn my back to all the trials that I;m facing right now.

Yes, I am pathetic because my PROBLEMS are a mere scratch in the surface, compare to others.

No, I’m no longer strong than I used to be.

Yes, I’m giving up on life.

Yes, I think this is the only way.

I don’t care if this does not make any sense. My mind is shattered to into millions of pieces and emotions are running high.

Alone.

Scared.

What shall I do?

I think I make up my mind that people will no longer help people like me.

Believe me… I tried everything!

I feel the cool afternoon breeze on to my face.

The warm of the afternoon sun.

I am not poetic. I just like to appreciate my favorite moment.

I love life, but does LIFE loves me?

I don’t know.

I’m TIRED of looking for answers to my questions.

Is it a phase?

I don’t know.

Help. Me.